Solitude Is Bliss

These are the trials and tribulations of a semi-good person. I have slowly come to realize in the past few months of being home that I have been harboring a lot of toxic people in my life. I think on some level, I have always sensed the toxicity in the majority of my friendships; I knew I never got quite as much respect as I always gave and the loyalty I offered was never quite returned. I'm not perfect, that's not even close to what I'm saying but it's a serious problem when you can't trust your "friends" and you have this sneaking suspicion that at anytime there are whispers behind your back and fake smiles telling lies right to your face. I've always been the friend who drops everything when someone has a bad day, a break-up, etc. and I struggle to remember a time when the same was done for me. I am seeing through false facades and for the first time I am not afraid to let them go. I am learning that it is okay to be alone, sometimes you need to let go of the past to make room for the future. It's hard to distance myself but I have to start focusing on me and my life, I can't keep playing the role of the peacemaker, the incase of emergency friend, the friend who's always dependable and available. It's too emotionally taxing and I need to start looking at my life a little more logically, I've been too much of an idealist. My idealistic thinking has made pretty of the ugly fact that many of my friendships have been codependent delusions and false intentions.

I've got to put more good into my life if I want to get more good out of it. I do value the few true friendships that I have and now that I am freeing myself from the burden of my many masochistic relationships, I am freeing up my time to spend with people who really are invested and want to be in my life for the right reasons.