Friday, October 4, 2013

Loud Thoughts

Sometimes my thoughts are so loud they block out the world. Deafening, spinning, whirling thoughts that pull me in deeper - into a world of my own. I give my thoughts so much power by letting them take control of me. I realize that thoughts are only as powerful as the energy that you give them. So why do I fortify them?

I have always been a bit of a dreamer, one who is lost in the realm of imagination. I get carried away sometimes, to places I ought not go. As an adult I thought this would fade but even now, I am still lost, afloat with my head above the clouds. Or washed away in the rapids of a powerful river. Helpless, gasping for air. I worry that I will never feel steady, secure and grounded.

I don't want to live my life aloof, like a stray balloon carelessly blown about by the wind or a castaway caught in the riptide with no direction of my own. I need to learn to calm my mind and free myself from the overpowering current of my thoughts. I don't want to be carried away anymore.

I feel so out of control but as I observe myself I realize I am too in control. I rule my mind with an iron fist. "Don't think that." "You shouldn't feel that way." "What's wrong with you?" I am a cruel dictator exiling myself to a desolate land.  I am learning to fortify myself and relinquish the control I have over my thoughts. I think I am so afraid of losing control that my mind is shouting at me in return, like a rebellious teenager. You want to run wild? Fine. Do what you want. I'll keep a watchful eye on you and observe you from a place of love. I am climbing out of the raging river of my thoughts. Sitting safely atop a cliff observing the rapids below. Here I can acknowledge the beauty in my powerful, speeding, crashing thoughts. Funny how a safe distance and a shift in perspective can make a harrowing and disorienting experience into
one of peace.

Observe your thoughts, acknowledge them, sit with them for a while - then let them go.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

A Vow to Myself

Tonight, I am making a vow to myself.

I need to let life happen. Loosen my grip, give myself some slack and live my life, right now, while it is happening. I have known how to be happy in life before, I can figure it out again. Life is all around me outside of my comfort zone. No more hiding. No more shading my light from the light of the world.

I am complex, complicated, powerful, wise, compassionate, and capable of love - if I allow myself to be. I am more than my education, my bank account, my career. I need to identify with internal characteristics and build an unshakeable foundation from within. I need to find who I am. Celebrate who I am. 

Love who I am.