Finding My Way Back To You Babe

I had a complete Carrie Bradshaw moment today. Yes, I am still making references to Sex and the City almost ten years after it's gone off the air and I probably will be 30 years from now too.

I was digging through an old bag I'd found to see what I had in there, looking for some inspiration, or at the very least something to focus on to help calm my monkey mind. I hate when I feel cornered by my own life because my mind kicks into overdrive and then my mind swells with ideas of what I should be doing, what I could be doing, what I want to be doing, and what I need to be doing. Ultimately all that I end up doing is I get overwhelmed and I take a nap or I get on facebook. But anyway back to my bag of treasures. I found some crystals and thought "Hey! These would be great for some much needed Chakra cleansing." Yeah, weird I know, the things I do to distract myself. Then I found some old bracelets (cool!) but the real delight was my brass ring with my name etched into it.



Just like Carrie when she found her long lost Carrie necklace in her vintage Dior bag, I had an "Aha!" moment. I felt a surge of energy I haven't felt in a while and I realized it's time to find me again. I'm going to take all those things I should, could, want and need to do and I am going to finally do them.

But first, I should check my facebook and ...*yawn*... maybe take a nap.

The Battle of Northern Aggression

My aggression towards the South as a full-blooded Yankee has melted away. My trip to South Carolina totally changed my view of the states below the Mason Dixon line. Sure, the South was littered with Mega Churches, conservative nut-jobs, gun shows and overall wearing guys riding on tractors but I am open to the idea that the South is a bit of a gem now. The trip was packed with way more culture and a lot less banjo than I anticipated. It was everything I hoped for, beautiful cities, beautiful nature, beautiful weather and beautiful food. Asheville, NC and Greenville, SC totally won me over. These two southern cities get what it's all about. The streets are lined with tall trees, colorful flowers, small boutique shoppes, restaurants and art everywhere. It was like being in my favorite NYC neighborhoods but the greenery made it even prettier. Everything and everyone moved at a much more relaxed pace which was, uh, relaxing and honestly, refreshing. It felt wonderful being somewhere with the energy of a big city but the spirit of a small town.



Everything about the entire trip was perfect from the day trips, to the home cooked meals at Mary and Jerry's, naps, movies, the company, just everything. It was really nice to get away; I am fearing I am becoming a bit of a rolling stone. I am feeling the rumblings of wanting to move again...

Lay All Your Worries On Me

I found the old worry dolls from my childhood today. They were stored in the back of a tote that I have and must have gotten exposed to moisture somehow because I noticed little spots of mold on them (gross, I know). Since I had to get rid of them, I decided to turn this into a little bit of a ritual. I assigned a worry to each doll in the bag, tied up the bag and walked around to each of my family members and told them to say goodbye to their worries! Then I tossed the bag and all the dolls in the trash.

Let's hope this helps to bring some sunshine into our lives or at least a silver lining to a dark cloud!

On the Road Again

As I count down the hours I'm running through a checklist in my head: Laundry done? (check!) Underwear packed? (check!) Road Trip Playlist made? (check!) Deodorant? (Che!...Oh, I still need to pack that.) South Carolina, here I come!

(This was taken on one of my many bus trips to or from the city.)

Grim Fairy Tale

Today's story is nothing new. It's the one about the adorable, naive boy who chased down his dreams, got lost in the concrete jungle, was tempted by the wicked witch in the ginger bread house, sold his cow for magic beans just in time to discover the wolf in sheep's clothing. Don't fret, before it was too late the boy found his way back home having learned many important life lessons.

Funny how these stories end. Sure he's home safe and sound, but what happens next? Does he go on other adventures to find riches and fame? Does he find true love and ride off into the sunset? Or does he fall victim to some other vile literary character waiting in the shadows? No one ever knows. But the real question is why don't we ever wonder how our heros get on with the rest of their lives after the apparent danger is gone?

I can tell you this, I really don't know what happens next, but I sure am a sucker for a happy ending.

Dear God

So I've never really considered myself to be a religious person, more spiritual than anything I suppose and if I had to classify myself I've always labeled myself as Agnostic (a person who holds that the existence of the ultimate cause, as god, and the essential nature of things are unknown and unknowable, or that human knowledge is limited to experience) which I personally feel is very different from being an Atheist. But lately with all this time on my hands I've been doing a lot of soul searching and I really want to believe in something greater than myself. I figure what's the harm in reaching out to something that is beyond my comprehension. Today I said my first prayer in a very, VERY long time. It went a little something like this:

God,

I know this is my first real prayer in a long time and I'm not sure if there is a right or wrong way to do this, but here it goes. Please provide me with guidance. I felt I have always known my path and I worked so hard to be the person that I want to be. However, as soon as everything seemed as though it was coming together, it quickly fell apart. I was given a dream only for it to slip through my fingers. I have been struggling and I feel like I am lost. Please provide me with the emotional strength and mental endurance to find myself again and to get back on my feet. I am reaching out to you now that we have a real relationship and I pray that you will help me because I feel alone, even though I have such a great support system. Thank you for looking out for me and please bless me and my family and friends with happiness, security and good health.

Love always and Amen,
Colin

(Looking at this in writing, I am so succinct, I should probably try and be more eloquent when I address God.)


Now, I know this is going to make me sound a little bit like Elizabeth Gilbert here but when I say God I don't exactly understand what I mean by that. I could mean Jesus, I could mean the Universe, I could mean my own inner higher consciousness. I think the word God really isn't meant for us to define. All I do know is that right now in my life I like the idea of something with infinite wisdom and compassion keeping an eye on me and I have made a personal pact that it God can bear with me, my doubts, my skepticism and all my questions, that I will be more perceptive and work harder at building a relationship with him.

Mountains of Books

I'm finding myself with a lot of time on my hands lately. So I have been distracting myself from the ticking of the clock by reading. True to Gemini form, I can't focus on just one but I bounce back and forth from one (four to be exact) to another.


I also just found out that I will be piggybacking on Becky and Jay's vacation to South Carolina to visit her friend Mary. I am so excited to go on a mini-adventure and get my mind off the stress of searching for a job in this awful economy. It would be fantastic to take in the sights and do some hiking. I would love to see the Blue Ridge Mountains in person. The only thing that could keep me from going is finding a job between now and then; which really is a win-win situation either way.

Things That Go Bump In The Night

If you know me, you know I get scared easily and that's what today's post is all about, fear. I recently stumbled across two artists who scare the living daylights out of me. First is Joshua Hoffine (http://www.joshuahoffine.com/) a photographer who specializes in coaxing out the fears from our childhood that have been repressed into our subconscious.

Here is his artist statement:

Next is JG Thirlwell. I love poetry, especially love poems, so as you can imagine this piece by Thirlwell is not my forte. There is something about this piece from the music, the lyrics, to his back and forth movements that gets under my skin and totally creeps me out. This guy knows crazy and it's almost like his crazy is contagious and gets into your head too. I feel so uneasy and sick watching this video, it is as if he is dragging you down with him into his descent into insanity. I guess that's the point of it, so apparently he's a genius. When I saw the video last night for the first time, I found myself laying in my bed staring down my dark hallway waiting for someone or something to turn around my corner. I was terrified just like I was a child again.

I'll be sleeping with my light on tonight.