Bad Day

I haven't been very honest with myself lately and today the flood gates have crashed open. I am the proverbial black hole here in Cortland. Today I am feeling angry, sad, frustrated, bitter, cynical, scared, irritated, depressed and I don't like it. I don't want to be this person. I am home with my family and friends and the last thing I want to do is push them away but today I don't have a choice, I am so deep in a funk I couldn't crawl out even if I wanted to.

Everyone is supportive, sort of (I couldn't resist the rhyme) but I get frustrated because I think a lot of people can't wrap their mind around why I am down. What's so hard to comprehend? My dream just slipped through my fingers and I was pretty powerless in doing anything to stop it. I have been job searching off and on for literally the past 3 years, I'm living in my parents guest bedroom and I'll be running low on money soon. I can't figure out why it is so hard for others to understand it's okay for me to be sad and exhausted. Today, I allowed myself to cry for the first time since I have moved back because I feel like I have to pretend I am fine. I don't want to pretend, I really want to be fine, better than fine, I want to feel secure and happy.

I know I'll figure out the best course of action I always do but for today I'm just hanging on and waiting for this dark cloud to pass.