Bad Day

I haven't been very honest with myself lately and today the flood gates have crashed open. I am the proverbial black hole here in Cortland. Today I am feeling angry, sad, frustrated, bitter, cynical, scared, irritated, depressed and I don't like it. I don't want to be this person. I am home with my family and friends and the last thing I want to do is push them away but today I don't have a choice, I am so deep in a funk I couldn't crawl out even if I wanted to.

Everyone is supportive, sort of (I couldn't resist the rhyme) but I get frustrated because I think a lot of people can't wrap their mind around why I am down. What's so hard to comprehend? My dream just slipped through my fingers and I was pretty powerless in doing anything to stop it. I have been job searching off and on for literally the past 3 years, I'm living in my parents guest bedroom and I'll be running low on money soon. I can't figure out why it is so hard for others to understand it's okay for me to be sad and exhausted. Today, I allowed myself to cry for the first time since I have moved back because I feel like I have to pretend I am fine. I don't want to pretend, I really want to be fine, better than fine, I want to feel secure and happy.

I know I'll figure out the best course of action I always do but for today I'm just hanging on and waiting for this dark cloud to pass.

Spring

Looks like I'm not the only one ready for some warmer weather. My cute new scarf is too!

Pillow Passion

I won't front, I totally was in love with my pillow people as a child. They went everywhere with me, playtime, bedtime, long family road trips, I mean everywhere.

I owned both of these people of the pillow people population (say that three times fast!). And yes, my parents were progressive allowing me to have both a boy and a girl, kudos to them!

Now with all that said, loving them as a child is fine and dandy. I am a little concerned however, that someone felt the need to make a grown up version for lonely women.

Ghosts from the Past

The Vox Collective shared a video with the world today discussing the staff's idea of what the word "collective" means. I remember the day it was filmed, I kept trying to weasel my way out of it, but alas here I am on (2 seconds) of film. I swear everyone but me must have known we were being filmed because woof, I look busted.

the vox talks: what is collective? from Vox Collective on Vimeo.

It's good to see the faces of some of my friends there. I miss them oh so much!

I'm a Little Bit Country & I'm a Little Bit Rock 'n' Roll

I am a complete paradox because of my contradictory love for the country and the city. I spent this past Friday with my niece and nephew because they had the day off from school; so I took them to the waterworks which is essentially in my backyard. It was such beautiful Spring time scenery, plenty of deer grazing, crystal clear water, ducks and geese pairing up for mating season and lots of sunshine and fresh air. We had such a great time feeding the animals and then heading to the nearby playground for some obstacle course fun!

Now on to my love of Spring time in the city...


I stumbled across this forgotten song while creating a list of my favorite Spring time anthems. This song captures the essence of Spring in NYC to me and I surprisingly became a little emotional listening to this. I know, I know, that seems weird but I guess I'm still not over the fact that I'm not there to enjoy everything. But life is all about give and take. I love that I am here and able to enjoy the country vistas with my family but I also miss the possibility of exciting adventures with strangers. I am a Gemini to a T and sometimes I wish I wasn't because I pull myself in every direction and that always leaves me wondering "what if?". "What if?" I made the right decision and "What if?" I didn't. Oh the perils of being young and dumb.

Las Palmas

This short clip of the film Las Palmas by artist and film director Johannes Nyholm of Gothenburg, Sweden is genius and 100% adorable. Of course it's getting some flack, people decreeing that this is the manipulation of a small defenseless human being, but where are people when I am being manipulated? After all I am a small defenseless human being too. What I really love about this video is it provides visual support to what I have always said, that babies are really just a miniature version of drunk adults, knocking things over, speaking incoherently, puking on themselves and pooping their pants.

Anti-Love Regime

Say hello to the founder of the world's first official Anti-Love Regime. I will be traveling nationally promoting propaganda against love, promoting a no hand holding, kissing, hugging, snuggling, spooning, cuddling, sweet nothing whispering nation. If everyone can't love equally, no one can love at all. It's only fair; it's just like mom used to say "If you can't play nice, you can't play at all!". Love is not a political tool used to put people in office or to deny people healthcare. It's a fundamental human need and a fundamental human right. Everyone wants to put love down, well live in a world without love for a while and tell me what you think then.

Keep an eye out for posters like this!

Overactive Imagination

More than likely this does not come as a surprise to you but I have such a restless mind and overactive imagination. Sometimes I wish there was a power switch, or better yet, a sleep mode to my mind. Some down time to allow everything to defragment, decompress, and reboot would be so nice. In Buddhist terms I am a classic Monkey Mind, meaning my mind is unsettled; restless; capricious; whimsical; fanciful; inconstant; confused; indecisive; uncontrollable.

Looks like meditation is on my mind again...Now if only I could learn to clear my mind instead of focusing on if I'm doing it right and stop berating myself for stray thoughts!

Delicious Mix

Gorilla Vs. Bear February 2011 mix. It's aural bliss for music freaks everywhere.


Click here to download the mix.

Unrelated flashback alert: I'm so in love with the 2011 Marchesa collection (see above) that debuted at Chelsea Art Museum in the Fall. I was supposed to help out at this show and I'm so upset I was not able to make myself available to be there. Literally, it hurts my heart a little when I think about it!

Hidden Gems, Found Monsters

Today I stumbled across one of my long lost and forgotten laptops and I uncovered some buried treasure there. The treasure being papers I had written during my time as a studious, devoted and slightly deranged Art History major. Now I don't know about you but I get really excited about quality scholarly research. If you're like me, gobble up this tiny portion of my research discussing Bataille's literary figure Simone as a monstrous femme fetale.


Undeniable links are prevalent in consideration with Georges Bataille’s literary figure Simone from his Story of the Eye and Barbara Creed’s notion of the monstrous-feminine. Through the research conducted on this topic, and the very correlation of Simone as a figure of the monstrous feminine, I have been influenced to investigate various aesthetic philosophies, concerning disgust, the abject, and beauty itself. Examination of our reactions to Simone’s perverse and monstrous behavior not only shed light on our own psyche but also the extent to which the societal and cultural framework has a hold on formulating what we perceive to be a personal reaction.

The monstrous-feminine as constructed by a phallocentric ideology is a response to men’s fear of the sexual difference and the unknown of the female body. Bataille’s character Simone is a prime example of Creed’s monstrous-feminine due to her portrayal as a femme-fatal who engages in an array of immoral erotic behavior which lead Bataille’s characters through a literary world of fetishism, insanity, bodily dismemberment, and death. The horror caused in the Story of the Eye is all symptomatic of Simone’s insatiable sexual desire, supporting the claim that the female monster is threatening, out of control, and all encompassing.

If we define the monster as a bodily entity that is anomalous and deviant vis-à-vis the norm, then we can argue that the female body shares with the monster the privilege of bringing out a unique blend of fascination and horror. … the female monster is simultaneously deadly, beautiful, castrating, active, and most significantly abject. (Gear 2.)

In discussing the aesthetics of the monstrous-feminine it seems more than mere coincidence that Simone is physically plain yet beautiful. This highlights the notion of the abject, the ambiguity between the inside and outside. Within the plain yet beautiful shell of Simone rages a tempest of terror and monstrosity; thus creating a perfect circle returning the discussion to man’s fear of castration by the vagina, and the vagina as the heart of the female monster.

Now I stood up and while Simone lay on her side, I drew her legs apart, and found myself facing something I imagine I had been waiting for in the same way that a guillotine waits for a neck to slice. I even felt as if my eyes were bulging from my head, erectile with horror; in Simone’s hairy vagina… (Bataille, 84.)

This sense of a corporeal ambiguity and lack of a firm definition of identity appears to be one of the most disturbing aspects of the monstrous-feminine.

...Ah I miss the days of burying my nose in books, rummaging through articles and losing myself in libraries. If money weren't an issue and the art market were more stable (meaning I'd be certain to find work) I'd already be enrolled in a Masters program in Art History and/or Museum Studies.

Rooster Juice

Times, they sure are a changin'. What constitutes a rockin' Friday night now compared to 5 years ago couldn't be anymore different and I wouldn't have it any other way. I spent last night in Liverpool with Becky and Jay and it was great. It was one of those low key, relaxing, Friday nights that I moved home for. Becky and I went to dinner at Copper Top, picked up a bottle of wine, a chocolate pie and headed home to watch some quality TV: Who Do You Think You Are (My new obsession!) and The Walking Dead marathon. Jay arrived home around 9:30PM after a Syracuse University lacrosse game with an extra bottle of wine and delicious Insomnia cookies in hand. Becky lucked out, her husband definitely is a keeper.

So for those of you who want to have a great time, allow me to give you a mathematical formula for success: Friday night + good friends +1 1/2 bottles of wine + 1 bag of kettle corn and 1 bag of butter popcorn + chocolate pie + Insomnia cookies = SUCCESS. Pay it forward people, the world will be a better place because of it.

Fit For A King

The purple walls of my bedroom are really starting to grow on me. Fun fact: The color purple is associated with royalty and nobility due to it's rare and expensive nature in classical antiquity. Please, allow me to cite my statement. "The actual color of Tyrian purple, the original color purple from which the name purple is derived, is the color of a dye extracted from a mollusc found on the shores of the city of Tyre in ancient Phoenicia (present day Lebanon) that in classical antiquity became a symbol of royalty because only the very wealthy could afford it. Therefore, Tyrian purple was also called imperial purple." - Wikipedia

Finger Prints

Sometimes you just have to get down and dirty. Since I am feeling a little lost and a bit like I have lost my identity, I am making finger prints out of my fingerprints. I forgot how much I love getting my hands dirty, making a mess and being a bit primal.

Doubt

In time, the fog has cleared and reality has paved way to my realization that I am not just visiting my family anymore. Reality has made it very clear that I am indeed living at home with my parents. It hasn't been bad per se, but living at home at the age of 27 is never good. I am a grown man and I should be living on my own, with a job and living a life that at least resembles something of adulthood. What kills me is that I did what you are always told to do "Follow your dreams and work hard to make them a reality!" and that's what's landed me in my parent's guest bedroom months before my 10 year high school reunion. I realize doubt and cynicism will do me no good but the outlook is starting to look grim (FUCK!). Well, the silver lining is I haven't eaten this well in months and even though logic tells me otherwise, I am still hopeful I will tackle this obstacle and come out on top.

...Please don't let reality smash this last shard of hope to pieces...