Bad Day

I haven't been very honest with myself lately and today the flood gates have crashed open. I am the proverbial black hole here in Cortland. Today I am feeling angry, sad, frustrated, bitter, cynical, scared, irritated, depressed and I don't like it. I don't want to be this person. I am home with my family and friends and the last thing I want to do is push them away but today I don't have a choice, I am so deep in a funk I couldn't crawl out even if I wanted to.

Everyone is supportive, sort of (I couldn't resist the rhyme) but I get frustrated because I think a lot of people can't wrap their mind around why I am down. What's so hard to comprehend? My dream just slipped through my fingers and I was pretty powerless in doing anything to stop it. I have been job searching off and on for literally the past 3 years, I'm living in my parents guest bedroom and I'll be running low on money soon. I can't figure out why it is so hard for others to understand it's okay for me to be sad and exhausted. Today, I allowed myself to cry for the first time since I have moved back because I feel like I have to pretend I am fine. I don't want to pretend, I really want to be fine, better than fine, I want to feel secure and happy.

I know I'll figure out the best course of action I always do but for today I'm just hanging on and waiting for this dark cloud to pass.

Spring

Looks like I'm not the only one ready for some warmer weather. My cute new scarf is too!

Pillow Passion

I won't front, I totally was in love with my pillow people as a child. They went everywhere with me, playtime, bedtime, long family road trips, I mean everywhere.

I owned both of these people of the pillow people population (say that three times fast!). And yes, my parents were progressive allowing me to have both a boy and a girl, kudos to them!

Now with all that said, loving them as a child is fine and dandy. I am a little concerned however, that someone felt the need to make a grown up version for lonely women.

Ghosts from the Past

The Vox Collective shared a video with the world today discussing the staff's idea of what the word "collective" means. I remember the day it was filmed, I kept trying to weasel my way out of it, but alas here I am on (2 seconds) of film. I swear everyone but me must have known we were being filmed because woof, I look busted.

the vox talks: what is collective? from Vox Collective on Vimeo.

It's good to see the faces of some of my friends there. I miss them oh so much!

I'm a Little Bit Country & I'm a Little Bit Rock 'n' Roll

I am a complete paradox because of my contradictory love for the country and the city. I spent this past Friday with my niece and nephew because they had the day off from school; so I took them to the waterworks which is essentially in my backyard. It was such beautiful Spring time scenery, plenty of deer grazing, crystal clear water, ducks and geese pairing up for mating season and lots of sunshine and fresh air. We had such a great time feeding the animals and then heading to the nearby playground for some obstacle course fun!

Now on to my love of Spring time in the city...


I stumbled across this forgotten song while creating a list of my favorite Spring time anthems. This song captures the essence of Spring in NYC to me and I surprisingly became a little emotional listening to this. I know, I know, that seems weird but I guess I'm still not over the fact that I'm not there to enjoy everything. But life is all about give and take. I love that I am here and able to enjoy the country vistas with my family but I also miss the possibility of exciting adventures with strangers. I am a Gemini to a T and sometimes I wish I wasn't because I pull myself in every direction and that always leaves me wondering "what if?". "What if?" I made the right decision and "What if?" I didn't. Oh the perils of being young and dumb.

Las Palmas

This short clip of the film Las Palmas by artist and film director Johannes Nyholm of Gothenburg, Sweden is genius and 100% adorable. Of course it's getting some flack, people decreeing that this is the manipulation of a small defenseless human being, but where are people when I am being manipulated? After all I am a small defenseless human being too. What I really love about this video is it provides visual support to what I have always said, that babies are really just a miniature version of drunk adults, knocking things over, speaking incoherently, puking on themselves and pooping their pants.

Anti-Love Regime

Say hello to the founder of the world's first official Anti-Love Regime. I will be traveling nationally promoting propaganda against love, promoting a no hand holding, kissing, hugging, snuggling, spooning, cuddling, sweet nothing whispering nation. If everyone can't love equally, no one can love at all. It's only fair; it's just like mom used to say "If you can't play nice, you can't play at all!". Love is not a political tool used to put people in office or to deny people healthcare. It's a fundamental human need and a fundamental human right. Everyone wants to put love down, well live in a world without love for a while and tell me what you think then.

Keep an eye out for posters like this!