Take a Trip With Me

Here I go on...

The Book of Disquiet

"I've always been an ironic dreamer, unfaithful to my inner promises.
Like a complete outsider, a casual observer of whom I thought I was,
I've always enjoyed watching my daydreams go down in defeat.
I was never convinced of what I believed in.
I filled my hands with sand, called it gold, and opened them up to let it slide through.
Words were my only truth.
When the right words were said, all was done; the rest was the sand that had always been."

"Life is an experimental journey undertaken involuntarily. It is a journey of the spirit through the material world and, since it is the spirit that travels, it is the spirit that is experienced. That is why there exist contemplative souls who have lived more intensely, more widely, more tumultuously than others who have lived their lives purely externally. The end result is what matters. What one felt was what one experienced. One retires to bed as wearily from having dreamed as from having done hard physical labor. One never lives so intensely as when one has been thinking hard."

"My soul is impatient with itself, as with a bothersome child; its restlessness keeps growing and is forever the same. Everything interests me, but nothing holds me. I attend to everything, dreaming all the while. […]. I'm two, and both keep their distance — Siamese twins that aren't attached."

Hole in One!

Today I moseyed on down memory lane and revisited the haunts of my childhood. When I got out of work today at 4PM I met up with Kris and Jakob and went to the mini-golf that I always frequented as a child and a teenager. It's got the same cuteness and charm it always had. Plus, I did pretty amazing and on the 18th hole I hit the ball in the clown's noise and won a free game! No easy feat, I assure you. This clown always used to taunt me and I can say revenge is sweet.

Afterwards, we decided to hit up Footie's Freez another hot spot of my youth. I remember as a child anticipating their ice cream the way I anticipate payday now as an adult. I would sit in the car, looking at what seemingly was an endless list of flavors and hash out in my head what would be the most satisfying to my young, yet refined palette. I usually decided on a chocolate or strawberry crunch bar or a fruity push-pop. Today I thought about maybe ordering a tin roof (because it made me think of the B-52's Love Shack) but I played it safe and chose a peanut butter cup flurry made with chocolate ice cream. It never disappoints.

Sexual Innuendos Abound

Maybe my mind was just in the gutter but the Wal-Mart bakery was loaded with images of smut today. Oh schmutzi bread, you are so naughty!

(Tell me this doesn't look like a used condom peeking out from in between these succulent bagels.)

(I'm pretty sure even Georgia O'Keeffe would confess that these bolillos look like yeasty vaginas.)

No wonder there are constantly buns in the oven...I couldn't resist the cheesy (get it?!) joke. ...Sorry.

Oh, Good God.

Bon Iver released their first single, Calgary, from their new self-titled album to be released on June 21st. As the song started playing I literally said out loud "Oh man. This is so good." and then I instantly got shivers. This guy can do no wrong by me, he is genius, he is good, he is love. I want him to direct the soundtrack of my life.



I get it. I'm gushing but there is even something to be said for the lyrics, just take them in, they are poetry that could stand on their own.

"Calgary"

Don't you cherish me to sleep

Never keep your eyelids clipped

Hold me for the pops and clicks

I was only for the father's crib

Hair, old, long along

Your neck onto your shoulder blades

Always keep that message taped

Cross your breasts you won't erase

I was only for your very space

Hip, under nothing

Propped up by your other one, face 'way from the sun

Just have to keep a dialogue

Teach our bodies: haunt the cause

I was only trying to spell a loss

Joy, it's all founded

Pincher with the skin inside

You pinned me with your black sphere eyes

You know that all the rope's untied

I was only for to die beside

So itʼs storming on the lake

Little waves our bodies break

There's a fire going out,

But there's really nothing to the south

Swollen orange and light let through

Your one piece swimmer stuck to you

Sold, I'm Ever

Open ears and open eyes

Wake up to your starboard bride

Who goes in and then stays inside

Oh the demons come, they can subside

The Primary Colors of Me

Solitude Is Bliss

These are the trials and tribulations of a semi-good person. I have slowly come to realize in the past few months of being home that I have been harboring a lot of toxic people in my life. I think on some level, I have always sensed the toxicity in the majority of my friendships; I knew I never got quite as much respect as I always gave and the loyalty I offered was never quite returned. I'm not perfect, that's not even close to what I'm saying but it's a serious problem when you can't trust your "friends" and you have this sneaking suspicion that at anytime there are whispers behind your back and fake smiles telling lies right to your face. I've always been the friend who drops everything when someone has a bad day, a break-up, etc. and I struggle to remember a time when the same was done for me. I am seeing through false facades and for the first time I am not afraid to let them go. I am learning that it is okay to be alone, sometimes you need to let go of the past to make room for the future. It's hard to distance myself but I have to start focusing on me and my life, I can't keep playing the role of the peacemaker, the incase of emergency friend, the friend who's always dependable and available. It's too emotionally taxing and I need to start looking at my life a little more logically, I've been too much of an idealist. My idealistic thinking has made pretty of the ugly fact that many of my friendships have been codependent delusions and false intentions.

I've got to put more good into my life if I want to get more good out of it. I do value the few true friendships that I have and now that I am freeing myself from the burden of my many masochistic relationships, I am freeing up my time to spend with people who really are invested and want to be in my life for the right reasons.