Loud Thoughts

Sometimes my thoughts are so loud they block out the world. Deafening, spinning, whirling thoughts that pull me in deeper - into a world of my own. I give my thoughts so much power by letting them take control of me. I realize that thoughts are only as powerful as the energy that you give them. So why do I fortify them?

I have always been a bit of a dreamer, one who is lost in the realm of imagination. I get carried away sometimes, to places I ought not go. As an adult I thought this would fade but even now, I am still lost, afloat with my head above the clouds. Or washed away in the rapids of a powerful river. Helpless, gasping for air. I worry that I will never feel steady, secure and grounded.

I don't want to live my life aloof, like a stray balloon carelessly blown about by the wind or a castaway caught in the riptide with no direction of my own. I need to learn to calm my mind and free myself from the overpowering current of my thoughts. I don't want to be carried away anymore.

I feel so out of control but as I observe myself I realize I am too in control. I rule my mind with an iron fist. "Don't think that." "You shouldn't feel that way." "What's wrong with you?" I am a cruel dictator exiling myself to a desolate land.  I am learning to fortify myself and relinquish the control I have over my thoughts. I think I am so afraid of losing control that my mind is shouting at me in return, like a rebellious teenager. You want to run wild? Fine. Do what you want. I'll keep a watchful eye on you and observe you from a place of love. I am climbing out of the raging river of my thoughts. Sitting safely atop a cliff observing the rapids below. Here I can acknowledge the beauty in my powerful, speeding, crashing thoughts. Funny how a safe distance and a shift in perspective can make a harrowing and disorienting experience into
one of peace.

Observe your thoughts, acknowledge them, sit with them for a while - then let them go.

A Vow to Myself

Tonight, I am making a vow to myself.

I need to let life happen. Loosen my grip, give myself some slack and live my life, right now, while it is happening. I have known how to be happy in life before, I can figure it out again. Life is all around me outside of my comfort zone. No more hiding. No more shading my light from the light of the world.

I am complex, complicated, powerful, wise, compassionate, and capable of love - if I allow myself to be. I am more than my education, my bank account, my career. I need to identify with internal characteristics and build an unshakeable foundation from within. I need to find who I am. Celebrate who I am. 

Love who I am.

My Needs

• Give love 
• Get love 
• My presence impacts others 
• Be relevant 
• Be secure 
• Do something meaningful (almost) everyday

     Are simple.

It Is Pure

This is my most favorite and sentimental piece of jewelry. This ring was given to me by Becky when I was her "Man of Honor" in her wedding. The story behind the inscription is that while in college we took a German class together and I always used to say "Es ist Rein?" thinking it meant "Is this rain?". Well, come to find out it means "It is pure." and this ring symbolizes our pure never ending friendship.

Something Bigger Than Myself

I know it's been a while since I've blogged. Sorry if anyone actually reads this but I'm actually more sorry to myself for having let my blog fall to the wayside! Lately, I've been thinking that I want to do something bigger with my life, something that focuses on the bigger picture and not just on myself. What's the best way to do that? Well, the best way to get in touch with something bigger than myself is to do something good for someone else.

I'll be looking into volunteering my time at the local food bank (a perk for me is it's just right around the corner from my job!). I think it important to acknowledge that people out there are suffering and I mean really suffering, not this existential crap that most of us get down in the dumps about. I'm learning it's my (and your) responsibility to help alleviate any of that suffering if we have the means to do so. We may not have money, but we have time. You say you don't have time? Well, just think about all the time you spend on facebook. Is that really how you want to be spending your time? Let's do some good for others and in turn figure out what this life is all about.

Just food for thought.

I Beg Your Pardon

Tom Waits, you are a genius.

Christmas? Yeah.